Let Them Play: Why Sometimes the Best Thing We Can Do Is Step Back

Social media has a funny way of making us feel like we're doing parenting wrong.

Everywhere you look, there is a perfectly curated sensory bin, a beautiful invitation to play, a themed activity, a craft that somehow doesn't involve anyone making a giant mess…

And as a pediatric Occupational Therapst, I LOVE a good purposeful play activity.

But as a mom?

Sometimes I think we are making play way harder than it needs to be.

Because some of the best play happens when we don't do much at all.

Put out some play dough.

Give them a pile of blocks.

Hand them a cardboard box.

Send them outside.

And then… step back.

Not because we don't want to play with our kids.

Not because we don't want to be involved.

But because there is something really valuable that happens when kids get the chance to figure things out on their own.

What happens when we stop directing the play?

When an adult is leading an activity, we're usually doing a lot of the thinking.

"Let's make a pizza."

"Here, put this piece right here."

"What color should we use?"

"Now let's make a house."

And there's nothing wrong with that! Adult-led activities have their place, and they can be a great way to teach new skills.

But when we let kids take the lead, the thinking shifts to them.

They have to come up with the idea.

They have to decide what happens next.

They have to figure out what to do when something doesn't work.

They have to negotiate when their sibling wants to do something different.

They have to solve the problem when there is only one blue piece and two people want it.

They have to change their plan when the tower falls over.

They have to use their imagination when nobody has told them exactly what the toy is "supposed" to be.

That is A LOT of learning.

And most of the time, they don't even realize they're learning.

Think about what happens with something as simple as play dough.

You might see three kids sitting around a table making a mess.

But I see:

Fine motor skills.

Rolling, pinching, squeezing, cutting and manipulating the dough.

Executive functioning.

Planning what they're going to make, remembering the rules of their pretend game and figuring out what comes next.

Problem solving.

"What can I use for the pizza toppings?"

"How are we going to make this stand up?"

"We don't have enough dough. What should we do?"

Social skills.

Taking turns, sharing materials, negotiating and compromising.

Emotional regulation.

Managing frustration when someone takes the piece they wanted or their creation doesn't turn out the way they imagined.

And then there is something that I think we sometimes overlook:

Creativity.

There isn't one right answer.

There isn't a finished example sitting in front of them telling them what theirs should look like.

They get to decide.

And this is where I think social media can get us in trouble.

We see so many beautiful, curated activities that we can start to believe that good play has to look a certain way.

It doesn't.

Your child's play doesn't need to be cute.

It doesn't need to be educational-looking.

It doesn't need to be Pinterest-worthy.

And it definitely doesn't need to end with a picture you post on Instagram.

Sometimes the best play is the completely ridiculous pretend game that makes absolutely no sense to you.

Sometimes it's turning the couch into a spaceship.

Sometimes it's putting every stuffed animal in a laundry basket and calling it a school bus.

Sometimes it's making the same play dough cupcake 47 times.

And sometimes it's three siblings figuring out how to play together without an adult telling them what to do.

That's the good stuff.

Independent play doesn't mean we disappear.

This is an important distinction.

I'm not saying we should hand our kids some toys and say, "Have fun!" and walk away.

Especially for younger kids, getting started can be hard. Some kids need help generating ideas. Some need support with sharing and problem solving. Some need an adult nearby to feel comfortable enough to play.

Our job isn't necessarily to completely remove ourselves.

It's to resist taking over.

We can set up the environment.

We can provide interesting, open-ended materials.

We can sit nearby.

We can watch.

We can ask questions.

We can help when they truly need us.

But we don't always have to solve the problem for them.

Instead of:

"Here, do it this way."

Try:

"Hmm…I wonder how we could fix that."

Instead of:

"Why don't you make a house?"

Try:

"What do you think you could make?"

Instead of immediately stepping in when siblings disagree:

"You both want the same thing. What could you guys do?"

We're still there.

We're still supporting them.

We're just letting them do more of the thinking.

And research backs this up.

One experimental study looked at 136 children ages 5–6 and compared different types of play, including free play, adult-led play and child-led play with adult support.

Interestingly, the children who participated in child-led play with adult support showed greater gains in inhibitory control than children in the free-play or adult-led groups.

And I actually LOVE this finding because it makes the message more nuanced.

It's not:

"Adults should stay out of children's play."

It's:

"Adults can support play without taking over the play."

We can create the opportunity.

We can provide the materials.

We can offer support.

And then we can let our kids take the lead.

Because sometimes the most powerful thing we can say is:

"I don't know. What do YOU think?"

So here's your permission slip.

You don't have to plan an activity every time your kids say they're bored.

You don't have to entertain them all day.

You don't have to turn every play experience into a learning opportunity.

And you definitely don't have to recreate the perfect sensory activity you saw on Instagram.

Put out the play dough.

Dump out the blocks.

Open the dress-up bin.

Give them a cardboard box.

And then sit back for a minute.

Watch what happens.

Because when we give kids the space to create, problem solve, negotiate, experiment and figure things out for themselves…

we aren't doing less parenting.

We're giving them the opportunity to practice skills they can't develop if we are always doing the thinking for them.

And honestly?

Sometimes the best thing we can do for our kids' play is get out of the way just a little.

Let them be bored.

Let them make a mess.

Let them change the rules.

Let them argue and figure some of it out.

Let them make something that makes absolutely no sense.

Let them PLAY.

Because they don't need us to make childhood more impressive.

They just need the space to experience it.

Reference:

Veresov, Veraksa, Gavrilova, & Sukhikh (2021), Do Children Need Adult Support During Sociodramatic Play to Develop Executive Functions? Experimental Evidence, Frontiers in Psychology, 12, 779023. DOI: 10.3389/fpsyg.2021.779023.